I accidentally had phone sex last night
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
