tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
