i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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