I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
