"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
