girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
