i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
