I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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