i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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