The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
