Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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