Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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