No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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