Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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