I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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