I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
