And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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