I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You are the jesus of drinking
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
