did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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