Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
