I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
