Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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