Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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