turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
