how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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