I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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