Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
