tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
