her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Come see our sink grown plant.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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