I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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