I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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