I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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