I wish my penis had an off switch
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
