we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize