I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
