look no pants
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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