The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
