Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
