Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize