The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
