You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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