I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
