Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
