Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
