i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
