If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
