I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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