I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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