i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Life is so much better after having sex.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
