I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
