She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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