I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
