I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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