I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
