I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
