I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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