can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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